It's Time...

It’s time to rededicate myself, to many things, but mainly to my goal of living a healthier and happier life. I lost that drive and determination for a while there, heck I lost myself if I want to be honest about it.

I watched The Biggest Loser tonight (I know it comes on Tuesdays but I watched today, Wednesday, get over it) and one of the contestants said something that touched me. We choose to live this way, to be this way. Obesity is a disease but we CHOOSE it. It’s not like cancer where you have no control over the situation. We make choices daily that will determine our weight and our happiness.

So, with that being said, I am now choosing to live my life in a healthier and all around happier way. I will no longer lie to myself about who I am and how I’ve decided to live my life. I have no reason to be ashamed of my past decisions; they’ve made me stronger in many ways and yet weaker in some.

I’m no longer going to obsess over the future, what will be will be. I can control the outcome in many things but not in everything. I need to be happy in the here and now and not worry about what my come.

I know I have a long and hard road ahead of me. I didn’t become this person overnight and I know I won’t become who I want to be overnight.

But with a lot of heart, sweat, support from those who care, and maybe some tears, I know I’ll find the footing and the strength to get me there. 

Will Power. . .

Will power is definitely something I have very little of. After all I am 26 and weigh over 300 lbs, so its pretty obvious I don't have a lot.

How does one gain will power? I bet its hard, takes a lot of work and patience (which is also something I have very little of).

There's got to be something you want very badly, and may also benefit you, or others. But, what if its for selfish reasons? What if its only going to help YOU in the long run? Heck what if its NOT going to help you, but you want it anyway?

I try my hardest and yet one way or another it doesn't work out the way I wanted or planned or hoped. But its usually my own fault, all because I have very little will power and patience. I (we) need to be stronger to get what I (we) want.

But. . . can I (we) wait?

That's the question isn't it? How long can we hold out? Can we gain the needed wisdom?

O.k. so this is all a bunch of mumbo jumbo. . .

I'm losing it here people!!! I don't know what its going to take to get to where I want to be, I don't know how LONG its going to take. But I need something what that is, I have no idea!

Encouragement
Love

Who knows!!!

As I Am. . .

You know what I hate? I really and truly hate it when someone says “You’re so pretty, if only you would lose a couple pounds.”. . . . WAIT A MINUTE!! Either I’m pretty as I am or . . . I’m not!

Hello! You can’t have it both ways, either you love me as I am or. . . you don’t!!

I want someone who’s going to love me as I am NOW not as what I’m working on becoming or as I might be in the future. I think I’d rather fall in love as who I am now, I don’t want to change and question if that person would love the old version of me.

People say drastic changes in one’s life can change them, I don’t know about you but I like my personality NOW. If I change, what’s that going to do to my personality THEN?

I’m sensitive, get over it!
I’m stubborn, you’ll live!
I’m opinionated, yours doesn’t matter!
I’m right, you’re wrong!
I’m plus size, now deal with it!

If you can’t deal with me now, what makes you believe you’ll be able to in the future? I’m a strong woman with a lot to say. Sometimes I don’t make sense but I get there eventually. And that’s what makes me so charming and irresistible ;)

I like who I am and what I’m working on being, if you can’t understand that then why would I want you in my life?

As I am. . . NOW. . . I don’t think any man can handle me
But. . . As I am. . . in the future. . . I don’t think I will want to be handled. . .

I Don’t Ask For Much

All I want to do is scream
All I want to do is cry
All I want to do is sit in my quite solitude

I don’t ask for much but some loneliness
For some time alone in the dark with my thoughts

All I want is for you to understand me
All I want is for this world to come to a halt when I ask
All I want is for this life to be a practice for reality

I don’t want much but some time alone
I don’t need much but some peace and quite

All I want is for my music to always be in the background
All I need is some time to sing my melodies
All I ask is that you leave the volume on high

I don’t want much but some constant beats
I don’t ask for a lot just some time with my pen and paper

I found the above while going through some files on my computer tonight, and it seems to express how I'm feeling tonight pretty well. I wrote this about 4 years ago originally.

Do Over. . .

You ever wished for a do over?

I do, almost every day. Whether it's something I did, said, and ate or the way i reacted to something. There have been times in my life I've wished i could do my ENTIRE life over. I know no one’s life is perfect but come on! Does it have to be so hard?

I've always thought the saying- “For anything worth having one must pay the price; and the price is always work, patience, love, self-sacrifice” (John Burroughs) has been true, but I've begun to wonder is it REALLY worth it? In the end how much must we sacrifice?

Patience, how much patience do i need exactly? A person doesn't get a certain way overnight (or become a certain weight for that matter), I've never been one with a lot of patience, and it seems to have gotten worse with age (yeah like I'm 50 or something)! But I'm tired of waiting, I'm tired of working, I'm tired of giving up things and people i love.

Self-sacrificing spirit, that's one that's hard to gain or control. We are selfish creatures by habit. "What's mine is mine, get your own!" that's been our (or my) mentality since the beginning. How do we overcome that?

Love, something easily gained and lost. We all have love in our life in one form or another. Me? I have my family wonderful parents, great siblings and a plethora of nieces and nephews. But what about L-O-V-E? When does that happen? I know people who married young and are younger than me and already have children! WHEN? That’s all i want to know!

Work, ewww, just the thought of it leaves a nasty taste in my mouth! We all need work that's beneficial and helps us in one way or another. It’s even better if it's helpful to others, work that makes things better. But how do you find it? Now there's the kicker, how?

I guess i kind of went on a tirade here, but I'm in one of those moods, wish things were better, not necessarily easier just better. In one area mentioned above not necessarily all, just one and I'd be good!

Do over? When is it my turn?

Interesting quote: "Don't let your past interfere with your wonderful future." Mr. Gaines ~ A Different World

Just The Beginning

And so it begins. . .

I'm hoping that maybe I'll have some followers but if I don't that's ok too. This will be all about my journey, starting at 25 and 420lbs in July 2009. Now over a year later at 26 and 347lbs. I know you may be thinking "What's with this girl? Why would you share that information? Is she insane?" Well, maybe I am and maybe I'm just hoping to incourage others, maybe I'm looiking for some support? I don't even know. It's kind of like a journal, only really open and vulnerable.

Lets see where this journey leads us, if anywhere. Maybe we'll gain some insight, maybe we'll gain some friends, or we'll just get to vent.

So like the title says, don't call me fat, instead call me PHAT like the url ;)